Sunday, September 27, 2015

Barely Sleeping

For well over a week, I have slept an average of 4 hours a night. 

The inability to sleep at night leaves me with a great deal of pondering time.  

And so far this is what I have come up with:

- I miss being touched 
- I desire someone to see me and tell me how attractive I am
- I miss having someone look at me and SEE me
- I miss the spark in the belly and the flutters that hit you in the gut when you are with someone that lights you up

I have lived so long without someone touching me - someone desiring me.

I want the security and comfort of being the little spoon.

I want someone to tell me it'll be okay and I don't have to carry the weight of all the world.

I hope that someday, someone will look at me and need me as I need him.  

Until then, I just hope for peace and sleep.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Getting back to me

It is hard for me to fathom that the last post I made to this blog of mine was almost 4 years ago. I had such aspirations and hopes at that time.  I was packing all of my belongings to move into a newly purchased house with my future husband.  I was in love.  I was happy.

Now - nearly four years later - so much has changed.

I am packing all of belongings again.  To move back into my parents's house - again.  This will be the third time I have lived in their house since high school.  I do feel shame at that - but I also realize just how blessed I am that my parents are willing (and able) to help me when I need it.

I am getting divorced.

Talk about shame. 

I thought marriage would be forever.  I truly believed in the "death do you part" bit.  It appears though that is not my lot in life.  We had good times - we enjoyed camping and going to movies.  And we had bad times - four failed IUI attempts, terrible fights, hurtful words, and bad tempers.  Salvage just wasn't possible.  One person cannot carry the weight of two for very long.  Something will give.

I started the this blog as a way to chronicle my journey training for a half marathon after a devastating leg injury.  Well - I have completed two of those and now have a fused ankle, but now perhaps I can journal how I find ME again.

I lost her somewhere.  I used to smile and laugh and be light.  Lately, I treaded carefully and the smile hasn't reached my eyes. 

So I am packing.  I am packing up my physical belongings.  I have long since realized that who I was in my marriage wasn't who I wanted to be as a person.  Now I get a chance to go find that person again. 

Strangely enough as I pack the items I brought into my marriage, I see glimpses of her.  I have run across old memories and had deep belly laughs at them.  I have danced around the house with an open knife and packing tape singing at the top of my lungs to 80s music. 

I am strong and I am proud that I made a tough choice.  I only hope that my family and friends can try to understand and stand by me as I travel back to the person they used to know.

She was pretty freakin awesome - I'll introduce you to her in times to come . . .

Monday, January 16, 2012

And so it continues . . .

The garage has now been overtaken with boxes.  

There are still plenty left in the house and plenty more to pack and stack!

This weekend we found a refrigerator at roughly 30%, The Fiance found his dream TV (albeit a bit smaller than he hoped), I cracked my head on a canoe, and we did the final walk-through on the house.  

Tomorrow we close on the house, we move in his things from storage, and our refrigerator arrives.  Friday we load a U-Haul with my junk and then Saturday all of our things will be in our house.

Our house - such an odd phrase.

I have never lived with anyone before - said I never would - unless I was engaged with a date set.

We are now three months out from our wedding, I am stressed out and dropping weight from not eating nor sleeping.  And we are moving into our new house.

Just a teaser:

Go team go - aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Four months! WTF!

How is it that four months have gone by since I last posted here?!

I know that I have lost many readers, by my lack of writing and my dropping out of the runner's field - and for that I am sorry.

I have tried to get into cycling, and I have enjoyed my efforts. The Fiancé and I have done a few rides together.
Our last ride - the 40 mile Donut Ride
(donuts at every water station - yum and ick!)

Mostly the last four months has been an incredible work load and doing a little traveling for my job - conferences and trips to the field, as well as some travels for family and friends.

Some of our trips:
My grandmother's 90th birthday! 
 The small town my mother was born in.

New York City for a friend's wedding and a mini-vacation:
The Statue of Liberty on its 125 anniversary - we climbed to the crown!
Snow! and Gray's Papaya Dogs
My friend's Halloween wedding and our costumes
Top of the Rock and Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark (amazeballs!!!)
Central Park 
 The 9/11 Memorial, Van Gogh's Starry Night, and Love

I have also been trying to pull together the wedding of the century - ours! A bilingual, Catholic full Mass with an additional minister - The Fiancé's uncle!

It has been all quite stressful on top of an already busy life - but so worth it!  And house shopping on top of everything else is just more time and stress - but it's like shopping for the closest of your dreams - so much fun!

However, my brooch bouquet is done. The perfect shoes have arrived - I'd show pictures of both - BUT - I am trying to keep it all a secret for 4 more months!

I can't believe that I will be married in 4 months - holy smokes!

And on top of that I have been dealing with some health issues - nothing major - just feeling exhausted, drained, and ill all around.  I think my doctor has fixed my thyroid medication, so some of that should be going away. But only sleeping 4 hours a night is rough!

I was able to get some Christmas decorations up at the house - but my favorite - the Shrinky Dink Christmas tree!!!

Before and After 

So - to whatever blog buddies I have left - my apologies for leaving you for so long!

I'll try to be better!

Go team go - Merry Christmas!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

My Last Few Weeks in Pictures

My first stop before heading into the field - a fisherman's heaven!

My fancy new boots - that'll keep my toes safe from the 8000 pound reefs!

I drove down open highways to the final parts of Texas.

The place where Texas meets Louisiana.  
The part of Texas that I said I would never return to after my Master's research. 

Since I had time to kill before the work began I chose to do a good deed.
There was a mobile blood bank at the . . .  wait for it . . . 
local WALMART.

I stayed at a great hotel where the rooms where comfortable and the black-out curtains were very nice!

 However, it looked like this after I left - 11 days later!

I got up every morning at 0330 and headed to the building below -

 Then I balanced my way across one of the beams on this "dock" carrying a computer bag, camera, and the rest of my gear - wearing my fancy new boots.

When the sun finally came up, I tried to put a smile on my face - ok a smirk - and focus on the work.

Our newest reefs at SALT Reef Site

After working from 0330 - 1630 everyday, I came back to the hotel room to curl up and sleep - but after a long week in the field - I decided for some retail therapy!

 I'll give ya a hint  - 

I LOVE antique stores!

Go team go - boots!

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Week So Far . . .

Did a little zumba on the Wii -

realized I can't dance - must get better before wedding as his family can SALSA!

Worked out with my trainer - who again kicked my butt with rubber bands and kettlebells -

Actually liked this one.

Rode the bike trainer -

Damn near broke my wrist on the second fall onto the wood floor.  Owie.

Tried another type of bike trainer -

I love how he says at 0:45 that it is "very stable."

Who fell off it???!!!

This gal!

Yesterday on the rollers I was able to crank out about 0.70 miles with my two falls onto the floor before I took my bruised and bleeding body to the couch.

Today I made it just over 13 miles with only 1 fall (I forgot to lock out the support leg - whoops).  It felt great to actually be riding again!

I have missed it.

Go team go - spin