Sunday, September 27, 2015

Barely Sleeping

For well over a week, I have slept an average of 4 hours a night. 

The inability to sleep at night leaves me with a great deal of pondering time.  

And so far this is what I have come up with:

- I miss being touched 
- I desire someone to see me and tell me how attractive I am
- I miss having someone look at me and SEE me
- I miss the spark in the belly and the flutters that hit you in the gut when you are with someone that lights you up

I have lived so long without someone touching me - someone desiring me.

I want the security and comfort of being the little spoon.

I want someone to tell me it'll be okay and I don't have to carry the weight of all the world.

I hope that someday, someone will look at me and need me as I need him.  

Until then, I just hope for peace and sleep.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Getting back to me

It is hard for me to fathom that the last post I made to this blog of mine was almost 4 years ago. I had such aspirations and hopes at that time.  I was packing all of my belongings to move into a newly purchased house with my future husband.  I was in love.  I was happy.

Now - nearly four years later - so much has changed.

I am packing all of belongings again.  To move back into my parents's house - again.  This will be the third time I have lived in their house since high school.  I do feel shame at that - but I also realize just how blessed I am that my parents are willing (and able) to help me when I need it.

I am getting divorced.

Talk about shame. 

I thought marriage would be forever.  I truly believed in the "death do you part" bit.  It appears though that is not my lot in life.  We had good times - we enjoyed camping and going to movies.  And we had bad times - four failed IUI attempts, terrible fights, hurtful words, and bad tempers.  Salvage just wasn't possible.  One person cannot carry the weight of two for very long.  Something will give.

I started the this blog as a way to chronicle my journey training for a half marathon after a devastating leg injury.  Well - I have completed two of those and now have a fused ankle, but now perhaps I can journal how I find ME again.

I lost her somewhere.  I used to smile and laugh and be light.  Lately, I treaded carefully and the smile hasn't reached my eyes. 

So I am packing.  I am packing up my physical belongings.  I have long since realized that who I was in my marriage wasn't who I wanted to be as a person.  Now I get a chance to go find that person again. 

Strangely enough as I pack the items I brought into my marriage, I see glimpses of her.  I have run across old memories and had deep belly laughs at them.  I have danced around the house with an open knife and packing tape singing at the top of my lungs to 80s music. 

I am strong and I am proud that I made a tough choice.  I only hope that my family and friends can try to understand and stand by me as I travel back to the person they used to know.

She was pretty freakin awesome - I'll introduce you to her in times to come . . .