It is hard for me to fathom that the last post I made to this blog of mine was almost 4 years ago. I had such aspirations and hopes at that time. I was packing all of my belongings to move into a newly purchased house with my future husband. I was in love. I was happy.
Now - nearly four years later - so much has changed.
I am packing all of belongings again. To move back into my parents's house - again. This will be the third time I have lived in their house since high school. I do feel shame at that - but I also realize just how blessed I am that my parents are willing (and able) to help me when I need it.
I am getting divorced.
Talk about shame.
I thought marriage would be forever. I truly believed in the "death do you part" bit. It appears though that is not my lot in life. We had good times - we enjoyed camping and going to movies. And we had bad times - four failed IUI attempts, terrible fights, hurtful words, and bad tempers. Salvage just wasn't possible. One person cannot carry the weight of two for very long. Something will give.
I started the this blog as a way to chronicle my journey training for a half marathon after a devastating leg injury. Well - I have completed two of those and now have a fused ankle, but now perhaps I can journal how I find ME again.
I lost her somewhere. I used to smile and laugh and be light. Lately, I treaded carefully and the smile hasn't reached my eyes.
So I am packing. I am packing up my physical belongings. I have long since realized that who I was in my marriage wasn't who I wanted to be as a person. Now I get a chance to go find that person again.
Strangely enough as I pack the items I brought into my marriage, I see glimpses of her. I have run across old memories and had deep belly laughs at them. I have danced around the house with an open knife and packing tape singing at the top of my lungs to 80s music.
I am strong and I am proud that I made a tough choice. I only hope that my family and friends can try to understand and stand by me as I travel back to the person they used to know.
She was pretty freakin awesome - I'll introduce you to her in times to come . . .